Tearless Grief Bleeds Inwardly
by IShouldBeWriting
Summary: A late night dinner after a long flight home and Jess learns just a little more about Becker's past. Blame this one on LJ's nietie who bunnied me yesterday. As usual, this is part of my "Breakable" Becker/Jess series. Title is a quote by Christian Nevel


Author's Note: Title is a quote by Christian Nevell Bovee

~~oOOo~~

Bleary and confused, Jess leaned back in the truck with her eyes closed as Becker drove. The flight back from Tokyo had been long and she was finding herself glad that she'd have the entire weekend to recover before returning to work. When the persistent rumble of the engine finally stopped, she was surprised to find that they were at Becker's flat rather than her own.

"I assumed you'd be too tired to take proper care of yourself tonight. Hope you don't mind if I see to it for you."

"But Abby and Connor –"Jess tried to muster her thoughts.

"Both know exactly where you are," Becker replied firmly.

Startled, Jess turned round to look at him.

"You told them?" she asked incredulously.

"Don't worry; they won't breathe a word of it to anyone else."

It'd taken half the week before Becker had the courage to come clean to Jess' flat-mates. In the end, his longing for Jess was what finally did him in. He'd had to admit everything to them if he wanted to swap places with Abby to pick Jess up at the airport. Abby's wicked grin promised him endless torment for having kept the secret from her for so long while Connor's enthusiastic thumbs up had been a fierce aching reminder of how much he'd missed these two friends during their absence.

"Come on," he encouraged as he reached across and popped the door open on Jess' side of the cab. "I've got dinner waiting inside."

Jess gave him a tired smile as she slid off the seat. Becker tried not to look at the expanse of creamy skin exposed as her skirt rode up her thigh. Those short skirts of hers were going to be the death of him one of these days. (But oh what a lovely death it would be!)

The faint aroma of roast chicken wove about them as he unlocked the door and ushered Jess inside with an affectionate hand at the small of her back. Becker placed her bags beside the door, and watched in amusement as she puttered around his space. Seeing that she was relatively at home, he went through to the kitchen to check on the food. Finding that the dishes were ready, he pulled them out of the oven, made up two plates, and brought them back into the dining area. Jess turned to him from where she'd been looking over the photos on the mantle.

"Who's this?" she asked softly, tapping one of the framed pictures.

"Family, Becker replied shortly. "Mum, Dad, and my brother, Cass."

"You've a brother?" Jess looked at the photo more closely, "you've never mentioned him before."  
"Had a brother," Becker corrected somberly as he came up beside her.

Jess gulped. Like so many of Becker's old wounds she'd stumbled upon this one quite blindly. She looked up at him, trying to read how much damage she'd inadvertently done from his expression. As was so often the case, his stoicism hid all traces of the emotions she knew to be hidden deep inside.

"Cass was 2 years younger than me. He had a neurodegenerative disorder called Alexander disease. Died at age 16 shortly before I left seminary for officer's training."

"I'm sorry," Jess whispered sincerely.

"Don't be. Life wasn't kind to him. My parents considered him to be an embarrassment, a sign of their failure. I think I was the only one who ever truly saw him and treated him like a human being."

"Was he the reason you left seminary?"

She knew that it was prying, but Jess needed to know, needed to understand how the ghost of this previously unknown young man fit into the life of the man before her.

"Only partly. I'd already begun to question my fitness for the priesthood. Cass' death was just the catalyst. After he was gone, I couldn't stand being within reach of my parents any more. I needed to move on to a life of my own, beyond their grief and lies and infidelities. With Cass gone, I had no reason to return to them. He was all I had left to protect."

"Oh, Hilary," Jess murmured sadly.

"Don't," he shushed her. "I wouldn't trade a moment of the time Cass and I had together. He was the best brother I could ever have asked for."

She silently wove her fingers with his as they stood together contemplating the family portrait for a few more moments.

"Come on. Dinner's getting cold," he said, leading her away with a gentle tug on her hand.

Jess took the hint and let go of the conversation. As they ate Jess shared stories of her visit with her mum. She'd had time to see Yuriko while she was in Tokyo. Her friend had proudly introduced Jess to her fiancée, a fellow business student at Tokyo University. The three of them had gone traipsing around the city, shared a traditional cherry blossom festival picnic, and the metropolitan night-life they'd been too young to enjoy when Jess last visited.

Toward the end of dinner, jet lag began to set in making Jess droop wearily. Becker quietly cleared the dishes for them both, returning armed with Jess suitcase in tow.

"Stay here tonight," he said in a low voice. "Abby and Connor know where you are. You've spare clothes with you, and I've an extra bedroom down the hall."

"I don't want to intrude-"Jess replied, but her heart really wasn't in the argument.

"You're not. I've missed you so very much. Please let me show you, let me take care of you," he pleaded, "just for tonight."

~~oOOo~~

"_To spare oneself from grief at all cost can be achieved only at the price of total detachment, which excludes the ability to experience happiness__"_ - Erich Fromm


End file.
